Of moles and men
The exciting contusion...

It has been a long journey, and as that great Oriental meta-philandering guy Confusion once said, "Round Eye, said journey begins with the first mis-step."

The first step in the continuing saga of my back yard and a #@$% smackin' frackin' mole began in April, 2006. The snow had melted and the yard was ready to be walked on, worked on, rolled on, lived on . . . but not lived in! I was ready to mow and I noticed, for the first time in the six years of living there, there were moles.

Moles had invaded the sanctity of my sanctuary.  They trespassed. They were not invited. They were not wanted.

It meant only one thing: this premeditated invasion of an independent piece of property was an act of war. Go ahead, look it up in the United Nation's brochure on invading hordes, et al, and you'll see I was/am justified protecting my sovereignty. And, just like George Bush One, I marshalled the troops -- I called on my allies from abroad.

"Help," I petitioned. "Help me vanquish this menace to world peace, this tyrant, this Scalopus Aquaticus!"

Oh, I had all sorts of help and homespun wisdom on the subject.
 

Dave Kugler gets ready to set one of four mole traps.

One, good ol' boy suggested backing up the pickup truck to a tunnel, hooking up a hose to one end of the tail pipe and inserting the other end into a tunnel. While I don't like my enemy, I am not a Nazi and the idea of gassin' anything is repulsive to me.

Folks said to put chewed gum in the tunnel . . . when the mole passed through, it would eat pre-used gum and choke on it. The idea of using pre-chewed gum sounds disgusting, so I opted Operation Chew and Go.

Some said, to put human hair in the tunnels . .. that moles don't like the smell of human hair and they would turn away. Being a fair man and good neighbor, Operation Hair Be Gone was not put into motion as I didn't want the folks who live next door to be invaded. I wanted the mole DEAD! But, I wanted it done, quick.

So, for three years I have stomped and jumped on tunnels.

I have dug up mole bunkers.

I have turned on the hose and filled the tunnels until water bubbled up all over the yard.

Nothing worked.

I found out from our friendly Critter Catcher guy, a local named Dave Kugler, that:

1. Moles are used to their tunnels being smashed, and they just re-dig 'em.

2. When you dig up mole bunkers, this lets light in their tunnels, and to the mole, light in a tunnel means one thing -- a predator is looking to have a meal of mole. So, the mole stays away from that exposed tunnel and digs a new one, and:

3. Moles don't mind water . . . look at the Latin name (Scalopus Aquaticus) and anyone (except for me) could figure out flooding mole tunnels probably was a waste of water.

I also found out that Dave had a solution . . . SNAP! Victory could be mine, if I was only willing to take off the gloves get to work, and set some spring-loaded traps.

I was and I let Dave come out to my yard, dig some holes and set some traps -- four to be exact. After he had taken off his gloves and completed my work he said, surveying my back yard, "Looks like this is the work of one, maybe two moles. Give the traps a few days. I'll be back next week and check things out."

And, like that he was gone. Operation Backyard Freedom was on! That was Thursday afternoon.

The following Saturday, the lads Shamus, Sean and myself, were in the back yard and we noticed a sprung trap. Carefully we dug it out and inside the jaws of death was the biggest mole I have ever scene.

That was two weeks ago, and as of yet, no other mole has made its way under my sod. Thank you, Dave for bringing to and end, the terrible saga that was, of Mole and Men . . .
 

By: Don Rush

Sherman Publications, April 29, 2009